Titus has been lovingly called a “holy interruption” and that is what he absolutely was. Although I had entertained the idea of children as a single girl, we only just started talking about having kids eventually when we found out we were pregnant.
That fateful day I saw the TWO blue positive lines I was scared and already feeling a little hormonal. Every year I pray to get a word for the year. The funny thing was last year I felt like that was word was “faith.” God was going to do a new thing in my life, but little did I know it would bring about a complete new, little LIFE.
Obviously, Titus was not in “the plan.” I am a what you call a Type A person. Maybe you wouldn’t realize it when you first meet me. I come across as pretty laid back, but no. When the rubber meets the road I like to know what to expect; I like a solid plan most the time. A baby was not in my plan at that moment.
(Jan 2016)
As you can see from my face in the above picture. I did not know what to do/think/feel. I nearly had a panic attack the month before when I thought I was pregnant. But when I realized I wasn’t pregnant my prayer became, “Lord, give me a peace when it does actually happen.” At least I knew I didn’t want to welcome a new life into the world with fear and anxiety. SO the NEXT month, when I actually was pregnant, I knew it well before I saw those two blue lines because there was peace.
Don’t get me wrong. There was still some fear but I definitely wasn’t going to have a panic attack. The peace passed my understanding. Fear and anxiety are a real battle in my heart and mind. They were a daily struggle especially through those 9 months.
Those 9 months came and went with very few of my fears or anxieties acutally coming to fruition. My pregnancy wasn’t really that bad. I was able to give birth to a healthy baby naturally without complications. My fears were not founded. Has it all been completely easy? No. Breastfeeding didn’t work for us. Working full time and being a full time wife and mom is hard and stressful. I wouldn’t change any of it and the joy it brings us.
But It begins and ends with our choice. Will I give into the fear and the anxieties? Or will I choose joy? Some days it’s a tension of living in the middle of both. Being a mom, some days I feel overwhelmed. Some days the lie of “I’m not enough.” Rings very clear in between my ears. But I still have a choice to feed it or believe Truth. I am enough. Amidst the most hormonal of days, I can choose to what I listen to. Even amidst the crazy I can choose joy.
The Whole Family 